I am probably a terrible mother. I don't have a little song to sing when I take daughter number one to the toilet, I don't write a family newsletter every time she successfully does a wee like I am sure good mothers do. Most of the time I don't nag her enough about regular weeing so that the other day she ended up having a "little accident" on the sofa whilst watching tv with Daddy.
They had gone downstairs together early on a weekday morning. For D1 this mean cereal and a chance to feed her CBeebies addiction. For Husband it was a chance to try and have a cheeky nap whilst earning brownie points with me as I thought he had got up early to sort out the children.
He, also probably being a terrible father, had no thought to nag D1 into having an early morning wee. This is the start of where he went wrong.
He dutifully gave D1 the desired cereal, switched on the desired tv programme and promptly fell into a childrens tv related coma (any parents of small children will appreciate this. You are not necessarily asleep but the lights are on and no one is home!!).
It is hard to say at what point D1 had her "little accident", probably somewhere between Zingzillas and Mr Blooms Nursery, but we cant be sure.
The first Husband knew of it was when she shook him awake shouting "Daddy wake up. The sofa is wet!!"
She then proceeded to explain to him that she had had a little accident, gone upstairs, changed her pyjamas, been for a poo (she does love to proudly share that achievement everytime!) and come back down to wake him up.
It was at this point that he realised that it was not just the sofa that was wet. Thats right folks not only had D1 wee'd all over Daddy but he had slept through the whole thing!!!!
If this wasn't already funny enough the best part is that within a few hours D1 had completely re-written the story to "Daddy did a wee on the sofa..."
Its an interesting statement to try and explain at baby group I can tell you!
Monday, 30 January 2012
Monday, 23 January 2012
Introducing trips out with small children
I am probably a terrible mother. I don't spend trips out immersing my children in culture, taking our own organic packed lunches and going on nature hikes like I am sure good mothers do. I take them to zoos, aquariums and anywhere else that has a gift shop and a cafe.
We recently took daughter number one on a short holiday to London. This should probably have included a trip to the Houses of Parliament, The Natural History Museum , The National Portrait Gallery and all the other boring places that I'm sure good parents take their children to. We however went to the zoo, aquarium and the Science Museum (mainly due to all the things you get to play with there!)
Husband and I had a wonderful time and occasionally managed to remember that we were there on the pretext on entertaining a small child.
During our visit to the aquarium we had a rather close encounter with a shark in one of the large tanks. It swam right past us and I was in the process of pointing it out to Daughter Number One when I turned to Husband and (quietly I thought) asked "Whats that thing sticking out of its bottom?
Husband "Well its either a penis or an anal fin"
Me "No I think its definitely a penis"
At which point D1 shouts "NO PENIS!" at the top of her voice. I tell you it is very hard to tell a two year old that they shouldn't shout PENIS in public when you are crying with laughter.
Taking the tube around London with a train mad toddler was also lots of fun. D1 was going through a huge train obsession at the time and as anyone who has been to London will know we spent a lot of time hopping on and off of different tubes. D1 would then insist on shouting "ALL ABOARD" and blowing an imaginary whistle every time we got on a different tube.
What people who have been to London will also know is that no-one makes eye contact or talks on the tube. Especially hardened commuters who do it every day. That is unless they have made the unfortunate decision to sit next to Daughter Number One.
Being heavily pregnant with Daughter Number Two at the time and travelling with a small child meant that most of the time people would leap from their seats to let us sit down.
That is how Husband and D1 ended up sitting in a different part of the carriage to me. Next to a very serious looking business man. After looking around to see where I was D1 taps the business man on the knee, points to Husband and says "That's Daddy" points to me across the carriage "That's Mummy" and points to herself and gives him her name. She then looks expectantly at the now totally bemused and very uncomfortable city worker.
"Pleased to meet you" he mumbles awkwardly before rather rapidly alighting at the next stop.
Now if we can just get her into Number 10 perhaps she could lead a getting to know you session for the Coalition....
We recently took daughter number one on a short holiday to London. This should probably have included a trip to the Houses of Parliament, The Natural History Museum , The National Portrait Gallery and all the other boring places that I'm sure good parents take their children to. We however went to the zoo, aquarium and the Science Museum (mainly due to all the things you get to play with there!)
Husband and I had a wonderful time and occasionally managed to remember that we were there on the pretext on entertaining a small child.
During our visit to the aquarium we had a rather close encounter with a shark in one of the large tanks. It swam right past us and I was in the process of pointing it out to Daughter Number One when I turned to Husband and (quietly I thought) asked "Whats that thing sticking out of its bottom?
Husband "Well its either a penis or an anal fin"
Me "No I think its definitely a penis"
At which point D1 shouts "NO PENIS!" at the top of her voice. I tell you it is very hard to tell a two year old that they shouldn't shout PENIS in public when you are crying with laughter.
Taking the tube around London with a train mad toddler was also lots of fun. D1 was going through a huge train obsession at the time and as anyone who has been to London will know we spent a lot of time hopping on and off of different tubes. D1 would then insist on shouting "ALL ABOARD" and blowing an imaginary whistle every time we got on a different tube.
What people who have been to London will also know is that no-one makes eye contact or talks on the tube. Especially hardened commuters who do it every day. That is unless they have made the unfortunate decision to sit next to Daughter Number One.
Being heavily pregnant with Daughter Number Two at the time and travelling with a small child meant that most of the time people would leap from their seats to let us sit down.
That is how Husband and D1 ended up sitting in a different part of the carriage to me. Next to a very serious looking business man. After looking around to see where I was D1 taps the business man on the knee, points to Husband and says "That's Daddy" points to me across the carriage "That's Mummy" and points to herself and gives him her name. She then looks expectantly at the now totally bemused and very uncomfortable city worker.
"Pleased to meet you" he mumbles awkwardly before rather rapidly alighting at the next stop.
Now if we can just get her into Number 10 perhaps she could lead a getting to know you session for the Coalition....
Thursday, 19 January 2012
Introducing eating out with small children
I am probably a terrible mother. I don't spend meal times with my children feeding them homemade hummus and teaching them the different ways to cook an aubergine like I'm sure good mothers do. I take them to cafes and coffee shops and restaurants and submit the general public to their company on a daily basis.
Me to Husband "Do you think we eat out too often?"
Husband "No. What makes you ask that?"
At this point we are just walking past our local Weatherspoons (Other chain pubs are of course available..) when daughter number one starts shouting " Porridge, toast and a cup of tea please". When we continue to walk past she starts to beg "Please I need breakfast, I'm very hungry" (This is despite the fact that she has already had one, if not two breakfasts at home!). When they have their own breakfast order and recognise the building I think it might be a sign that we go there too much!
Another fun experience is dining out with a toddler who is now potty trained. So far it has been impossible to explain to her that although at home she is not discouraged from letting us know she needs the toilet, standing on a chair and announcing to the whole restaurant that she "needs to have a big lunch poo" does not make for a great dining experience for other people.
Worse still is the "toilet walk of shame" when she either talks loudly about her impending bowl movements or tells anyone unfortunate enough to make eye contact with her that "I am going for a poo". She also likes to emerge from said toilet visit and announce to anyone in the near vicinity that "IVE DONE A WEE!!".
Lastly there are the unpredictable observation skills. We were very proud when daughter number one learnt to recognise an entire range of colours. That was until we were sat in a fairly intimate cafe when she starts pointing at a woman on the next table and loudly asking "Mummy is that lady's hair green?" Her hair was in fact a delightful shade of broccoli and was a feature that had not gone unnoticed by Husband and I. This however just made getting D1 to not talk about it so much harder. She then picked up a strand of her own hair and started exclaiming "My hair is orange and her hair is green. GREEN Mummy GREEN."
We should probably wait a while before taking her to any punk festivals, she would probably spontaneously combust from all the hair colour related excitement! Or Husband would get punched by an offended purple haired punk....
Me to Husband "Do you think we eat out too often?"
Husband "No. What makes you ask that?"
At this point we are just walking past our local Weatherspoons (Other chain pubs are of course available..) when daughter number one starts shouting " Porridge, toast and a cup of tea please". When we continue to walk past she starts to beg "Please I need breakfast, I'm very hungry" (This is despite the fact that she has already had one, if not two breakfasts at home!). When they have their own breakfast order and recognise the building I think it might be a sign that we go there too much!
Another fun experience is dining out with a toddler who is now potty trained. So far it has been impossible to explain to her that although at home she is not discouraged from letting us know she needs the toilet, standing on a chair and announcing to the whole restaurant that she "needs to have a big lunch poo" does not make for a great dining experience for other people.
Worse still is the "toilet walk of shame" when she either talks loudly about her impending bowl movements or tells anyone unfortunate enough to make eye contact with her that "I am going for a poo". She also likes to emerge from said toilet visit and announce to anyone in the near vicinity that "IVE DONE A WEE!!".
Lastly there are the unpredictable observation skills. We were very proud when daughter number one learnt to recognise an entire range of colours. That was until we were sat in a fairly intimate cafe when she starts pointing at a woman on the next table and loudly asking "Mummy is that lady's hair green?" Her hair was in fact a delightful shade of broccoli and was a feature that had not gone unnoticed by Husband and I. This however just made getting D1 to not talk about it so much harder. She then picked up a strand of her own hair and started exclaiming "My hair is orange and her hair is green. GREEN Mummy GREEN."
We should probably wait a while before taking her to any punk festivals, she would probably spontaneously combust from all the hair colour related excitement! Or Husband would get punched by an offended purple haired punk....
Monday, 16 January 2012
Introducing Car Journeys with small children.
I am probably a terrible mother. I don't spend car journeys with my children singing the alphabet and pointing out cloud formations like I am sure good mothers do. I spend our journeys laughing at the comments that come floating through from the back seat and playing competitive games with them where if I can win I will!
Take today for example;
There we are family W setting off for a fairly routine trip to our local town.
Husband turns to me and says "Wow its a really nice day today"
I reply with "Yes its really autumnal"
Husband "Fresh"
Me "Crisp"
Daughter Number 1 shouts from the back "FISHFINGER?!"
Seems to me she thought we were putting together a shopping list of some description and wanted to make her own request.
Later in the journey D1 starts shouting "look Daddy a plane, a plane, A PLANE, LOOK DADDY!!!"
Husband (who admittedly is driving and doesn't turn around. We have a lot of plane related excitement with D1) "Is it oh that's exciting..."
D1 "No look Daddy plane. LOOK DADDY"
Husband "Daddy cant look Darling Daddy is driving. Mummy will look."
I turn around asking D1 where she thinks the plane is. She points at her window.
Me "No Sweetie thats a smudge on your window."
D1 "Oh (sheepish smile) Sorry!"
We as a family like to play the "yellow car" game. Most people will know it I'm sure (Its the one that normally involves punching someone when you see a yellow car. However due to our very competitive nature we have had to take away the punching element and stick to merely shouting "yellow car" instead!) and it used to be that just myself and Husband played it while Daughter number 1 merely watched us in a slightly confused manner.
That is until the day that she called a yellow car first. A two and a half year old won a point over both her adult parents. The first time it happened it was cute. We were very impressed with the fact that she had picked up the idea of the game and could recognise a yellow car.
Then she did it again. The competitive creature inside me stirred "Sorry Darling that one was gold. Gold doesn't count so you lose a point."
Brilliant we had outfoxed her and the adults were once again on top.
Later in the journey husband called a yellow car only to be admonished from the back "No Daddy you cant have that. That car is gold"
Take today for example;
There we are family W setting off for a fairly routine trip to our local town.
Husband turns to me and says "Wow its a really nice day today"
I reply with "Yes its really autumnal"
Husband "Fresh"
Me "Crisp"
Daughter Number 1 shouts from the back "FISHFINGER?!"
Seems to me she thought we were putting together a shopping list of some description and wanted to make her own request.
Later in the journey D1 starts shouting "look Daddy a plane, a plane, A PLANE, LOOK DADDY!!!"
Husband (who admittedly is driving and doesn't turn around. We have a lot of plane related excitement with D1) "Is it oh that's exciting..."
D1 "No look Daddy plane. LOOK DADDY"
Husband "Daddy cant look Darling Daddy is driving. Mummy will look."
I turn around asking D1 where she thinks the plane is. She points at her window.
Me "No Sweetie thats a smudge on your window."
D1 "Oh (sheepish smile) Sorry!"
We as a family like to play the "yellow car" game. Most people will know it I'm sure (Its the one that normally involves punching someone when you see a yellow car. However due to our very competitive nature we have had to take away the punching element and stick to merely shouting "yellow car" instead!) and it used to be that just myself and Husband played it while Daughter number 1 merely watched us in a slightly confused manner.
That is until the day that she called a yellow car first. A two and a half year old won a point over both her adult parents. The first time it happened it was cute. We were very impressed with the fact that she had picked up the idea of the game and could recognise a yellow car.
Then she did it again. The competitive creature inside me stirred "Sorry Darling that one was gold. Gold doesn't count so you lose a point."
Brilliant we had outfoxed her and the adults were once again on top.
Later in the journey husband called a yellow car only to be admonished from the back "No Daddy you cant have that. That car is gold"
Sunday, 15 January 2012
Introducing Daughter No 1
I am probably a terrible Mother. I have small children and most of the time I find myself laughing at them. No not teaching them to count in Spanish or how to make a dolls house out of paper mache like I am sure good mothers do. I am waiting for them to do the next funny thing so I can write it down and amuse my friends and family with their latest exploits.
Daughter number one is usually the one providing the laughs (mainly due to the fact that daughter number two is six months old and doesn't really do much at all). She is nearly three, a flaming ginger and seems to think that she rules the roost. She finds farts funny (particularly if they are her own!), calls her nipples her "ladybirds" and likes to pretend to be a princess by making her uncle carry her around in her child size wicker chair.
If she is feeling hungry she makes anyone in the near vicinity do "the biscuit dance" - This involves all those concerned standing in a circle holding hands, jumping up and down and singing "biscuit dance biscuit dance" until she decides we can stop.
She is also a bit of a childrens film buff. She has seen Tangled so many times she can quote whole sections to an unsuspecting audience at will. Her favourite line is to shout "You are never leaving this tower ever, ever, EVER. Great now I'm the bad guy." (For anyone who has actually seen the film there is only one ever in the line. She likes to throw in another couple for dramatic effect!)
Why demean yourselves by doing these things I hear you ask.
The answer is that it is infectious. We have yet to find an adult that comes to visit us who is not dragged into the ginger festivities in one way or another.
A perfect example is a family friend who is one of the most sensible ones we have. She was spending the afternoon with us when Daughter no 1 casually approached, tapped her on the knee and asked:
"Lottie, Do you know the Muffin Man?"
To which Lottie asked in a confused fashion: "The Muffin Man?"
To which D1 replied "THE MUFFIN MAN" then left the room without another word.
Any parent who has been forced to sit through Shrek a thousand times will understand!
Daughter number one is usually the one providing the laughs (mainly due to the fact that daughter number two is six months old and doesn't really do much at all). She is nearly three, a flaming ginger and seems to think that she rules the roost. She finds farts funny (particularly if they are her own!), calls her nipples her "ladybirds" and likes to pretend to be a princess by making her uncle carry her around in her child size wicker chair.
If she is feeling hungry she makes anyone in the near vicinity do "the biscuit dance" - This involves all those concerned standing in a circle holding hands, jumping up and down and singing "biscuit dance biscuit dance" until she decides we can stop.
She is also a bit of a childrens film buff. She has seen Tangled so many times she can quote whole sections to an unsuspecting audience at will. Her favourite line is to shout "You are never leaving this tower ever, ever, EVER. Great now I'm the bad guy." (For anyone who has actually seen the film there is only one ever in the line. She likes to throw in another couple for dramatic effect!)
Why demean yourselves by doing these things I hear you ask.
The answer is that it is infectious. We have yet to find an adult that comes to visit us who is not dragged into the ginger festivities in one way or another.
A perfect example is a family friend who is one of the most sensible ones we have. She was spending the afternoon with us when Daughter no 1 casually approached, tapped her on the knee and asked:
"Lottie, Do you know the Muffin Man?"
To which Lottie asked in a confused fashion: "The Muffin Man?"
To which D1 replied "THE MUFFIN MAN" then left the room without another word.
Any parent who has been forced to sit through Shrek a thousand times will understand!
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