I am probably a terrible mother. I don't take my daughter on days out to historical monuments, examples of Gothic Victorian architecture and museums on the history of cheese like I am sure good mothers do. No I take her on day trips to big cities where we can spend the day eating our body weight in cake and spending money on stuff we don't need.
Take this weekend for example. Daughter Number One and I went to visit her Uncle in Bristol (yep thats right the one who buys balloons and can't say no to her!).
As it was just the two of us we decided to get the train to Bristol.
D1 loves trains. D1 also loves a captive audience. This journey gave her both.
After attempting to lead the whole carriage in a rendition of "If you're happy and you know it" (which did raise a few smiles but no-one seemed to want to be the loon who joins in..) she then turned her attention to the other passengers sat at our table.
Having politely chatted for a couple of minutes the man sat opposite me confessed that he is employed by Great Western, the firm running the train we were on. He pointed out all the towns we were going through to D1 and was generally very friendly and pleasant to be sat opposite.
He asked D1 the usual questions you ask a small child.. "How old are you?" D1 "FOUR (she is two!) Daddy is 47 (Me horrified "No he's not he's 27!)"
She then proceeded to tell him that Daughter Number Two was at home with a sore eye. He then asked "Who's that?" to which D1 replied "My brother!"
Me "You'll give her a complex if you introduce her as your brother!"
Finally he asked who she was going to Bristol to see.
D1 replied "My Uncle and he is a zebra!"
Well I've heard him called worse things!
He then proceeded to help me, D1 and our pram from the train before bidding us farewell. A lovely man, proud to work for First Great Western and happy to help a mother and child from the train even on his day off. Now if I could just train the husband....
Sunday, 26 February 2012
Monday, 13 February 2012
Introducing the tactics of a sneaky niece...
My brother is a terrible uncle. He doesn't spend time with his nieces bird watching, hiking and buying them healthy snacks like I am sure good Uncles do. He definitely is not in charge when it comes to the two mini people in his life. No he takes them trampolining, allows them to freely spend large chunks of his cash and fills my house with what feels like hundreds of bloody helium balloons (he appeared this weekend with what has become a customary balloon which he had carried on a train all the way from Bristol)
You would think he would have been thoroughly put off this expensive present idea as the first time he bought her one she promptly pulled it off of its weight and gleefully watched as it soared into the sky over the shops of Bristol. Undeterred he then proceeded to buy her another one the next time we saw him. This time she came running from the shop shouting "Peppa Pig be free" and attempting to launch this one into the sky also. She seems to have decided that to fulfill its destiny a helium balloon must be immediately released into the sky upon purchase to the soundtrack of a now skint and horrified uncle.
He once told me that he is powerless to resist the demands of Daughter Number One and if she were to ask him for all his money he would reluctantly have no choice but to say "Ok" and hand it over to her.
Unfortunately for him D1 has started to realise this..
He likes to play a game with her where he asks if she would rather have something or a hundred pounds. For example he will say "What would you like more, a biscuit, or a hundred pounds." When this first started she would of course always choose the biscuit or whatever else he was offering. Until the one time she chose a hundred pounds. Our reaction was obviously so hilarious (Brother going puce, husband chocking with laughter, me holding out my hand in a "well you did offer it so hand it over" kind of fashion) that she now always chooses the hundred pound offer.
We are fairly sure his tab with her is now into the thousands..
Cut to a family trip to Bristol to visit said brother/Uncle. We had decided to indulge in some retail therapy whilst we were there. Brother was releasing D1 from her car seat and suddenly said "As you've been such a good girl I will let you have £3 to spend on whatever you would like today."
D1 looks at him thoughtfully, looks at us and then exclaims "one hundred pounds please!"
You would think he would have been thoroughly put off this expensive present idea as the first time he bought her one she promptly pulled it off of its weight and gleefully watched as it soared into the sky over the shops of Bristol. Undeterred he then proceeded to buy her another one the next time we saw him. This time she came running from the shop shouting "Peppa Pig be free" and attempting to launch this one into the sky also. She seems to have decided that to fulfill its destiny a helium balloon must be immediately released into the sky upon purchase to the soundtrack of a now skint and horrified uncle.
He once told me that he is powerless to resist the demands of Daughter Number One and if she were to ask him for all his money he would reluctantly have no choice but to say "Ok" and hand it over to her.
Unfortunately for him D1 has started to realise this..
He likes to play a game with her where he asks if she would rather have something or a hundred pounds. For example he will say "What would you like more, a biscuit, or a hundred pounds." When this first started she would of course always choose the biscuit or whatever else he was offering. Until the one time she chose a hundred pounds. Our reaction was obviously so hilarious (Brother going puce, husband chocking with laughter, me holding out my hand in a "well you did offer it so hand it over" kind of fashion) that she now always chooses the hundred pound offer.
We are fairly sure his tab with her is now into the thousands..
Cut to a family trip to Bristol to visit said brother/Uncle. We had decided to indulge in some retail therapy whilst we were there. Brother was releasing D1 from her car seat and suddenly said "As you've been such a good girl I will let you have £3 to spend on whatever you would like today."
D1 looks at him thoughtfully, looks at us and then exclaims "one hundred pounds please!"
Monday, 6 February 2012
Introducing avoidance tactics of a tiny ginger
I am probably a terrible mother. I am not able to calmly talk in a singsong voice when my children misbehave. I don't nicely ask them to stop and explain that their behavior is "upsetting mummy" like I'm sure good mothers do.
I get cross, they get cross, I shout, they scream, we both end up red in the face, people stare and I try to pretend that I'm not bothered. It never looks convincing.
Take a recent trip to a play Cafe with Daughter Number One, Two and a very pregnant family friend.
The play area itself consists of a three tier play frame with the usual tubes, slides and customary ball pit.
Having allowed D1 to tear around the play area for a good couple of hours whilst we excitedly discuss friends imminent new arrival the time comes for us to leave.
I clearly didn't think this through. Rather than waiting until D1 is somewhere I can grab her I stupidly announce to her that its time to leave whilst she is at the top of the play frame thinking that having had a very generous amount of play time that she will happily agree and trot dutifully down. Nope.
She shouts that its not time to go and that she is staying to play. I immediately demand that she come down in my sternest voice that never fails to get husband jumping to attention. Nothing.
This is the point where I exclaim "right if you wont come down then I will come up there young lady."
Has any full grown adult ever attempted to negotiate a play frame designed for under fives? Needless to say I didn't really get much further than the entrance. On reflection I am glad I saw sense and didn't try any harder to get up there as my behavior was already starting to attract attention and I imagine a mother becoming stuck in the play frame would ruin everyone's afternoon.
I therefore walk back to family friend (who I can tell is trying very hard not to laugh!) and tell her that I'm going to play it cool, pretend we are not leaving and wait for D1 to emerge.
That's when she starts toying with us. She slowly wanders up and down the top tier, waving at us in a very smug "I've outsmarted Mummy" kind of way and basically looks very pleased with herself.
The only way down is a big slide on one side of the frame. She hovers by it for what feels like an age with me trying to look nonchalant and not bothered whilst actually getting more wound up by the minute.
Then she gets really cocky and decides to go down the slide backwards on her front.
I sweep into the play area so fast I accidentally stand on another parents foot but don't care, so desperate am I to save face and regain control from the two year old currently calling the shots.
She is strapped into the pram before she can blink and I can tell the adults are holding back rapturous applause for this very public victory for parents everywhere.
She screams all the way out and I pretend that I'm not bothered. It doesn't look convincing.
I get cross, they get cross, I shout, they scream, we both end up red in the face, people stare and I try to pretend that I'm not bothered. It never looks convincing.
Take a recent trip to a play Cafe with Daughter Number One, Two and a very pregnant family friend.
The play area itself consists of a three tier play frame with the usual tubes, slides and customary ball pit.
Having allowed D1 to tear around the play area for a good couple of hours whilst we excitedly discuss friends imminent new arrival the time comes for us to leave.
I clearly didn't think this through. Rather than waiting until D1 is somewhere I can grab her I stupidly announce to her that its time to leave whilst she is at the top of the play frame thinking that having had a very generous amount of play time that she will happily agree and trot dutifully down. Nope.
She shouts that its not time to go and that she is staying to play. I immediately demand that she come down in my sternest voice that never fails to get husband jumping to attention. Nothing.
This is the point where I exclaim "right if you wont come down then I will come up there young lady."
Has any full grown adult ever attempted to negotiate a play frame designed for under fives? Needless to say I didn't really get much further than the entrance. On reflection I am glad I saw sense and didn't try any harder to get up there as my behavior was already starting to attract attention and I imagine a mother becoming stuck in the play frame would ruin everyone's afternoon.
I therefore walk back to family friend (who I can tell is trying very hard not to laugh!) and tell her that I'm going to play it cool, pretend we are not leaving and wait for D1 to emerge.
That's when she starts toying with us. She slowly wanders up and down the top tier, waving at us in a very smug "I've outsmarted Mummy" kind of way and basically looks very pleased with herself.
The only way down is a big slide on one side of the frame. She hovers by it for what feels like an age with me trying to look nonchalant and not bothered whilst actually getting more wound up by the minute.
Then she gets really cocky and decides to go down the slide backwards on her front.
I sweep into the play area so fast I accidentally stand on another parents foot but don't care, so desperate am I to save face and regain control from the two year old currently calling the shots.
She is strapped into the pram before she can blink and I can tell the adults are holding back rapturous applause for this very public victory for parents everywhere.
She screams all the way out and I pretend that I'm not bothered. It doesn't look convincing.
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